First off, roughly chop all the dried fruit and soak in any dark rum. This can be prepared weeks in advance – or if pushed for time a few days will suffice.

Darlings – now let’s prepare to celebrate. So, run along now and wash your grubby little "jazz hands" – much obliged!

Preheat your oven to 180*C / 160* Fan / 350*F / gas mark 4.

First off, well-grease your cake tin with butter, then line the base and sides with greaseproof paper. Darlings, please make sure the paper stands at least 2.5 cm (1 inch) above the top of the tin, as this will help to prevent it from browning too quickly.

In a pan or with the aid of a modern-day appliance, "nearly" melt the butter - do not allow it to reduce to oil.

To your mixing bowl: add the flour (sieved 3 or 4 times) sugar, spice, zest of a lemon and orange, chopped almonds, and rum soaked fruit. Thoroughly mix together with a wooden spoon.

Stir in the butter, cream, treacle and well-whisked eggs. Then give the mixture a good ol’ beating with a wooden spoon, or please do so with the aid of a modern-day appliance. Beat until sufficiently blended.

Add 2-3 tablespoons of dark rum, and the juice of half an orange. Mix well. The mixture should easily slide off the spoon when ready - if not then add a tad more rum!

For this step, one must steady their jazz hands! and carefully pour the cake mixture into your prepared tin.

Now fold the sheets of newspaper (two at a time) until they stand a little above the greaseproof paper. Wrap them around the tin, then tie tightly with string.

Place on the middle shelf of your oven and bake for approximately 55 minutes. Your culinary masterpiece is ready when browned, and a skewer when inserted comes out clean.

When completely cool enwreathe with marzipan followed by a silky sheet of white royal icing. Or present as stark naked – Oh, I say! and enjoy with a drop or two of double cream.

Oh, and darlings, if you've made this in good time, then prick your cake all over with a skewer and spoon feed with dark rum. Then wrap in foil and pop it into a Tupperware vessel until you're ready to ice.

Darlings - enjoy each slice with oodles of gusto!